Yessss Life is Sooooooooo Tough... :(

I guess I learned my lesson about Fairy Tale Fantasies vs. Faith.. Finally I see it more clearly. Fairy tales are nice and happy and in the end, birds chirp, rainbows light up the sky while butterflies and flowers sing as they glimmer in the sunlight. Everybody wins. Everybody gets a set of wings and can fly away into the sunset and everyone's happy and they never have any problems again. Its obvious, isn't it? How do I apply that to reality? Hmmm... I really dunno.

Faith on the other hand, has a lot to do with trusting in a Higher source for guidance. And it deals with sacrifice. And a hope in a bright future, and for things which are not seen. With Faith all things are possible but not guaranteed. sadly, everybody doesn't win. I like that answer more than the first- its the truth. It sounds more promising. It seems more real and I've seen it work TONS of times in my life. Why not trust in Faith?

At this point I really wish I could be given a set of wings and was able to fly away from all my problems in life.. I would be gone faster than a one legged man can river-dance. But I haven't had the slightest feeling that the possibility of something like that happening is even possible. =( So here I must admit, that life is tough. But that doesn't mean its the end of it- obviously I'm still alive and got a lonnnnnng way to go..

So a bunch of people are wondering exactly WHAT THE HECK I WAS THINKING!! when I broke up with Randy…

Here’s the thing. Most people have a mental list of qualities that they want or hope to see in a future spouse. They both need to have physical, mental, emotional as well as Spiritual attributes. However, if one does not have some of those traits before marriage, he or she most likely will not somehow develop them throughout life in marriage, but will remain the same all their lives, and practice the same habits all their lives with little to no change. There are numerous studies that prove this. I don't believe in the whole "list" thingy but I do believe that there are basic things that a guy “Corri” dates exclusively should have.

A serious relationship to me is where you date one person exclusively and you see if they're the right person for marriage. If it works, it works. If not, then you drop it before you both become too attached and things get bad. There's no third option. You can't keep someone around just because “it’s fun” or you "look good together" or because you don't wanna be alone- that's Super Selfish and it's not fair for either person.

Randy is a great guy. He’s super sweet, fun to be around, and everyone said we “look cute together.” I enjoyed being around him- he really was like a best friend for me. I am Extremely grateful for him and his kindness. He was strong, protective, honest, and easy to trust. I know he would’ve done anything for me. He had all the physical and the mental qualities that I admired in a person, BUT... that was it.

It wouldn’t be right for me to list his flaws or mistakes or errs. Regardless of them, I’m not that kind of person. He honestly was a nice person and did nothing wrong. I’m pretty sure that the worse thing I’ve ever done in my entire life was break his heart by breaking things off, and it was not fun and I felt REALLY bad- but it had to be done.

Randy confessed that he did not see me being his future spouse and that he had every intention of just dating me for a while and breaking things off at the end of the year when it was time for me to go home. *** Just like that. Us, just departing and never talking again as if the whole thing meant Nothing to either one of us. THAT’S what bothered me. Knowing that it would not work out, that it was not meant to be eternal, how could I stay in that type of relationship? It’s apparent that we each have a different definition of the word “love."

Growing up in foster care and in and out of many different homes, schools, jobs, etc., I know how important it is to maintain healthy relationships THAT LAST. I have lived a life full of people who walk into my life and then just walk out without the slightest regards to whether they meant anything to me at all. From an early age I’ve grown a tendency to cling to anyone I know will be around in fear of losing them and being alone. My biggest fear is losing people who mean a lot to me. At the same time, I cannot stay with someone knowing that we’re not meant to be together- it’s almost like, waiting to say goodbye.

I totally thought it would have been a waste of time to keep dating him. I could not see him as an eternal companion either, but rather just a really good “friend.” I’m not saying that he meant nothing to me- he was my best friend in Utah. I didn’t want to hang around Randy though as his girlfriend and limit my dating options knowing that things would not last between us. I did not want to limit HIS options either and ruin it if Ms. Right did come around for him- by being in her way. I thought about it- If we were to just keep dating “because it was fun,” and the end of the year came and it was time for me to go back home to California, I would totally have had a harder time breaking things off later, knowing that we both have different plans for our lives.

Dating is a very important thing for me and I don’t like to think of it as an excuse to not be a loner. Even though I do not have experience with long relationships like many of my friends do, one thing I have learned and I offer this advice to all, is this- “The wrong person is the Right person to lead you to the BEST person.” Every person you date is better than the last in SOME WAY and that you learn something new in each relationship. I know that the right person will come around in time, and that I must be patient and continue to live in a way that I will be available and worthy of him when we do meet. There should be no fear in the thought of being single or alone- that’s just what the adversary wants. The opposite of fear is FAITH and that is the power by which I find comfort and hope and I know that I my life will unfold as it should as long as I stay positive, optimistic and do as Heavenly Father asks- for He knows what’s best for me. I really appreciate nice things, but something that’s more valuable to me than roses, teddy bears, ice cream and a card when I’m sick is a Priesthood Blessing and that’s something I can't get from just any guy.