Hmmm.. Lemme think. I'm sitting at home at 2am, wide awake, eating leftover brownies (They're actually Really good). I probably should be sleeping right now but I'm not tired. It may be because of the sugar overload, it may be much more than that. Like, stress.. or anxiety.. My stomach is grumbling.. A bunch of people just left my house. We had a movie night and I made lots of treats. It was nice.. I like my friends and roommates here a lot. They're simply- Amazing.
I should feel EXTREMELY upset, sad, and heart broken at this same time right now because of a recent experience that I had- I fell a victim to internet fraud. I work online doing promoting. I made a lot of new friends along the way, especially this one guy who I became good friends with but never met him. Eventually I found out that he "didn't exist." It was a fraud. It was a guy going around making TONS of online profiles, a fake family, false pictures-- living a lie basically. I had no idea. Everything about him was believable and sounded so true and he seemed like an Amazing person- but I found out that it was an online solicitor, and could have been very dangerous. People asked me why the heck I am soooo nice and caring and naive? And why do I let people take my kindness for weakness and use me? And how, after I've been cheated so many times, why don't I put up walls and block everyone and everything that comes in sight and just completely shut down??
Earlier today I had a serious conversation with one of my roommates earlier and she asked me why I am always so happy, and how do I deal with stress and emotions; and howcome I never cry.
Its true that I'm not a cryer. No, seriously. I just don't. I don't get mad, I don't cry, I don't get angry. It's not my "persona" if that makes any sense. I actually forgot how to. It's kinda strange..
Growing up in foster care, I was always reprimanded for crying. The foster parents and older foster siblings would tell me that "Crying does not take the pain away" and that "It won't make your parents come back and get you." Unfortunately I believed them. I did not like how people acted when I saw them angry and so I decided to completely shut away those two emotions and for years, I've never found any valid reasons to display those feelings. It doesn't seem like much, but since then, I've created ways of taking out my emotions on "things" rather than people. At a very young age I learned that expressing emotions like fear, anger, sadness, etc. is pointless. Later on in life as I avoided most negative emotional expressions, I somehow forgot how to. I realized that everyone has a right to be mad or upset, but never to be cruel.
What I would do was write. I would write in my journal, online, in books or on my computer. I would write poetry expressing how I felt; I would write songs, short stories and letters to people that were never sent. It always made me feel better knowing that all of my frustration was taken out on a piece of paper or a document that can then be hid, torn or someday made public. If you type in my name on helium.com you can find a few poems and stories that I wrote about random people and things.. They may seem recently added but trust me, I wrote most of them lonnnnnnnnng ago when I was a scrawny little kid in the "system."
I also drew. I would draw pictures that were very symbolic and store them away from the world's eyes. I would sometimes be so upset that I would stay awake overnight trying to finish collages that I was drawing. I would always draw with a black pen on white paper and all my frustration was again taken out on something.
My old therapist saw some of the pictures and the poems and she was very impressed. She told me that it was "natural" for humans to display emotions, but it was a good and healthy idea for me personally to handle them the way I do. This may not be the smartest idea of taking out emotions, but it worked for me. Everyone who sees me knows that I'm generally a happy person. I'm very genuine and honest and I have absolutely NO ill intent. I do not desire to be a bad or a mean person at all. I love people and I love making new friends. I think that maybe more of us should try this-- to ensure that no one else gets hurt along the way or from seeing our bad reactions.
-I hate seeing children suffer because they have angry parents who can't express their frustration without yelling at each other or hurting someone.
-I hate when I see people laughing at other people or hating them just because of the clothing they're wearing, or their accents, or the color of their skin.
-I hate when I see people lying, or cheating, or stealing, or cursing, or talking bad about someone.
These things are simply "mean" and no one likes to get hurt, no one likes to feel bad, no one likes to cry. As humans, we all like being happy. We all like smiling. We all like feeling accepted and loved. THAT'S what I want to share with others. THAT'S what I want people around me to feel- happiness, joy, acceptance- no matter what they look like or what they do or how they act. I've experienced both acceptance and rejection and I prefer acceptance.
It's not like I haven't learned from this experience though- I have. I am a lot more cautious and aware when I talk to people that I'm not familiar with, but I never have and never will ignore or reject an opportunity that I have to be a friend or serve someone. I don't care that they do the same with me, I don't care that I do not get paid to do good works- I only care that others are taken care of because we are all children of God- brothers and sisters, and we all have similar needs.
Followers, take this time, take any opportunity that comes to be a friend and help someone out. It may not mean a lot to you, or you may not feel that it means a lot to them, but it does. The entire world could change for good by one person's small act of kindness. Trust me, it passes on, it's exchanged, it's given and taken each day. If we all simply "cared" about others as we care about ourselves, there would be no room in the world for loneliness, sadness, anger or hatred. I honestly believe that one smile could bring about world peace.
Here's a video that I put together of our reunion when Karri came last weekend. If it doesn't show up, here's the link to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/calicorricutie1#p/a/u/0/7jRArhZ_gBM
Enjoy!
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